They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
