My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
