i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
