hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
