I think I just saw someone hide a body.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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