Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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