Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
