im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize