i would punch a child for taco bell
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
