it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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