You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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