the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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