hotel room ftw
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
