I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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