That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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