frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
