new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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