Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
