I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
