I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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