...so i touched it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
