This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
