He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize