Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
