My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
