i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
