SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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