The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Do vagina's smell?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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