My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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