:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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