Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
