Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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