My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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