You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
