I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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