You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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