A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
