Did you just see the Batmobile???
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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