I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
