I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
