I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
