Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
