Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
