I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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