I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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