I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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