So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
