In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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