Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
