Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
