i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
