plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
