im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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