I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
