Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
