this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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