wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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