I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
